Just Read This Link. I Have Nothing To Add.

Here.

Headline Of The Year?

Credit where credit's due. The Victoria Police's press release has my favorite headline for the cockfighting story (so far). Innuendo doesn't get any more awkward (or painful). 

The Age have gone with the painful sounding, City raid busts cockfighting ring (see your doctor if pain persists), and The Herald Sun have gone with the adventurous, Police raid a suspected cock-fighting ring.

But I know some of you could do better. 

The best readers' headline given in the comments gets a prize. 

How Can A Boat Catching Fire Sound So Dull?

A vessel on fire yesterday.

"The Northern Territory Fire and Rescue Service was called to a vessel fire in Manunda Terrace at around 11.15 this morning." 

"Acting Fire Watch Commander Eric Koomen said when the NTFRS arrived they found a yacht in the back yard of a house well ablaze."

It only took 35 words for us to find out that the "vessel" was a yacht.

They Write Like That Even When They're Supposed To Be Having Fun.

                                                                 A game of BoxTag yesterday.

This ends a report about the recent Police and Emergency Service Games.

"This year saw two new sports introduced to the games, BoxTag, which is a boxing related activity which involves light contact to the body with an emphasis on speed, skill and physical conditioning and open water swimming."  

"The open water swim is a 2km swim conducted at Sandridge Beach, Port Melbourne."

Surely they could have come up with something better than "a boxing related activity".

And what about the dangling participle in the first sentence that combines the two sports?

Dangling what?

Well, according to the first sentence, BoxTag is a boxing related activity which involves light contact to the body with an emphasis on speed, skill and physical conditioning and open water swimming.

Sounds dangerous.

Someone could drown.

Catch The Crook. Kill The Buzz.

"Let me at him" says dog yesterday.

I'll set the scene.

Two cops walking by a pub in Woody Point, Queensland. They see two men in balaclavas running from the pub.

They chase.

They catch one runner.

Late into the night, the dog squad catch the other.

Redcliffe District Officer Acting Superintendent Mark Jones couldn't contain his excitement.

“The ability to locate the second offender quickly was due to the excellent work performed by all the responding police who put themselves in a position to proactively cordon the search area." 

“Both first response officers should be commended for their initial actions in relation to sighting and locating the men.”

Yawn.

Look Out For Water Cannons This ANZAC Day

A dodgy pub over the road from the MCG yesterday

Most police-blitz-tough-on-crime media releases come across as poorly written, condescending drivel. Here's one..   

Police saturate Yarra streets for ANZAC match

Saturate? What? With water cannons? No thanks. I don't want my front yard to get muddy.

Police will be out and about in Richmond and surrounding areas for the Anzac Day clash between Essendon and Collingwood.

Ahem. "Out and about" as opposed to hanging out, shooting the breeze or pissfarting around?

Police will be monitoring local licensed premises and other places where football patrons gather to ensure that the local community and visitors to the area can enjoy a safe and orderly day out. 

One of the aims of the operation is to identify early indicators of unruly behaviour or drunkenness and deal with the matter before offences are committed or people injured.

OK. It took them 82 words to say police (you notice they don't actually say there will be more police), will patrol pubs near the MCG on ANZAC Day. I have no idea what an "early indicator of unruly behaviour" would be. Maybe it's a dangerous quip, a dirty joke or a furtive glance. If so, arrest me now.

Police intend to take a stance against such behaviour and want the community to know that it will not be tolerated.

I feel like we're already in trouble. But this sentence isn't as tough as it looks. Indeed, it's weak. First, they "intend" to take a stance. If they really mean business, Police will take a stance. That should be a given. And the second half of the sentence is also a given because of course we, the community, know that doing shit against the law won't be tolerated. Telling us this is condescending.

Anyway, a cop is quoted saying the usual, there's always a few hoons out there spoiling it for everybody blah blah, ending with...

“We want people to enjoy themselves, but also be aware that unacceptable behaviour will not be tolerated. Police will take action."

Again, isn't that what police are for?

Too Much Information

A house in Canberra yesterday.

ACT Policing Criminal Investigations Team is investigating a fire at a four-bedroom house in Chisholm which occurred earlier today (Sunday, 8 April).

Was there a reason we needed to know how many bedrooms there were?

About 7.51 am police were called to a house on Davice Place, Chisholm, where ACT Fire and Rescue were extinguishing a fire that started inside the house.

Not even a Venn diagram could explain that sentence.

The residents, who were not home at the time, have been notified.

I would hope so.

Vertically Challenged

A cliff yesterday. 

"Northern Territory Emergency Services (NTES) volunteers completed the vertical rescue of a man who had fallen from a cliff in Central Australia."

"NTES Southern Region Duty Officer Karl Herzog said a four-member Vertical Rescue Team arrived at Ellery Creek Big Hole, about 80 kilometres west of Alice Springs, around 9.30 this morning."

And good luck to our Horizontal Folk Dancing Team competing at this year's olympics.

Que Sera Copper! or Why Police Media People Shouldn't Try Comedy

Serve, protect & take the piss.

The Northern Territory police pull over a suss looking driver.

After getting out of his vehicle the male is alleged to have grabbed a bag containing drugs from his car, farewelled Police and sprinted from the scene. 

Oh, LOL. He "farewelled"police.

Superintendent Peter Schiller from the Drug and Organised Crime Squad said it is fair to assume the male was unaware the Officers he farewelled were trained defensive tactics instructors, both coming from a rugby league backgrounds.

Oh, the hilarity.

Wurst Chase Ever: Man Arrested In Deli Section of Werribee Supermarket

A man in a deli section of an undisclosed supermarket yesterday. 

"A man, police wanted to talk to in relation to a theft matter, ran into a Werribee supermarket and took refuge in the delicatessen section earlier today."

Obviously the cops were yelling "SIR, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN RELATION TO A THEFT MATTER!" Great use, of commas, by the way.

Next sentence, the media officer uses some flair..

The 44-year-old Port Melbourne man, with police hot on his tail, ran into the store on the corner of Tarneit and Shaws roads at 12.20pm. 

"Hot on his tail" indeed.

"The man ran through the store, jumped the deli counter and armed himself with two knives threatening self harm. The store was cleared of customers and staff while police negotiated with the man."

"The man was arrested with no injury and was conveyed to the Werribee Mercy Hospital for assessment."

Conveyed. Not taken. Conveyed. Anyone want to convey me in a northerly direction to the airport next week?

"He is expected to be charged on summons with public transport offences and theft."

Luckily, no smallgoods were harmed.